


He Who Would Gather Immortal Palms

by Luna (lunasky)



Category: Defying Gravity
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 20:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasky/pseuds/Luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evram's never been very good at blind faith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Who Would Gather Immortal Palms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [delgaserasca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delgaserasca/gifts).



> Many thanks to Meadowlion for her awesome beta.

  
Evram settled down on his bed—the only comfortable spot where he could sit and still see his screen clearly. He rubbed his eyes while waiting for the call to go through.

"Evram." Claire greeted him with a small smile.

"Hi, Claire."

"You look tired."

Evram tried to smile, but it felt flat even to him. "It's been a long day. How are you doing?"

She shrugged. "The synthesis record for the retrovitrus treatment should be completed by tomorrow morning. That still gives you enough time to administer it—"

"That's assuming," Evram interrupted as gently as he could, "that I should administer the treatment at all."

"Why wouldn't you?" Claire asked, obviously surprised. "Nadia's being turned into a man against her will."

"You mean _back_ into a man," Evram replied. He hated doing this, hated saying these things to Claire, when he knew she was caught between a rock and hard place. "I knew there was more background you weren't telling me, so I asked Wass to hack into your medical files."

Claire's face fell—not in anger which Evram would have expected if she'd wanted to keep the information hidden—but in sadness. "I'm sorry. Goss ordered me not to tell you."  
He shook his head. Her apology wasn't the one he was looking for. Goss needed to do a lot of explaining these days. "I'm sorry to bother you with this, but can you find a way to put me through to Goss on a private channel?"

Panic covered her face. "You're not going to tell him you know, are you?"

Evram shook his head. "I just—I need to talk to him."

"Is this about Zoe then?"

"No," Evram said, not lying directly. It wasn't about any individual. It was about everyone on Antares. "I need some guidance."

"From Goss?"

"From Goss."

Claire looked at him skeptically, but she was either too tired or too worn down to argue anymore. "I've missed you, you know," she said, finally. "You've been distant these last few weeks."

Evram tried to give her a smile. He felt exhausted beyond words, but, if there was one bright moment in his day, it was the occasional smiles he got from her. He was never sure he deserved them, never sure he had any right to treasure them close to his heart, but right now he was desperate for one more. He tried for a joke. "Fifty million kilometers is pretty distant."

Claire's face relaxed a little.

"Is that all I get?" he said, making the effort to tease.

She pursed her lips as if thinking about it. "Can I call you after your talk with Goss?"

He nodded. He had no idea if his talk with Goss would make things better or worse, but maybe it was best to have something to look forward to. "Do you think you can hook it up without Eve noticing?"

She sighed but casually looked over her shoulder and then gave him a nod. "I think so. Stand by. I'll have him call you in a few minutes."

After she disconnected, Evram rested his head against the wall. The personnel quarters were quiet—everyone else was well into their sleep cycle—but the now-constant hum from the objects permeated the ship.

A few minutes later, his computer showed an incoming call. He pushed the accept button, and Goss appeared on the screen, sitting in his office. Goss looked tired as well. It was the end of the shift for everyone, but these days, no one was working only eight hours a day. "Dr Mintz. What can I do for you?"

"Sir." Evram sat up straighter. "I'm sorry to bother you; I know you must want to go home for the day."

"That's okay. It seems there are always more things to do than time available. What did you want to see me about?"

The humming became louder and then receded. Evram paused until the level was as quiet as it got. "I—I want to ask you a difficult question. I'll understand if you don't want to answer, but I'm hoping you will."

Goss was silent for several seconds, his face ever serious. "I'll do my best. Go ahead."

Evram took a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you about the Mars mission...about why you ordered Shaw and Maddox off the planet."

"You already know—" Goss replied, immediately on the defensive.

"Yes, sir," Evram interrupted calmly, hands up in front of him to show that he didn't mean it as an attack. "I know the story. The storm was coming, and Sharon and Walker wouldn't have made it. I just—I wanted to know if there was something more."

"What else would there be?"

Evram leaned back against the wall. "The hallucinations are getting worse again."

"I'm sorry. You know there's nothing we can really do." Goss ran his hand through his hair.

"I know." Evram replied. "I'm just informing you of the situation. The frequencies are getting higher. Donnor had several in the Lander today during the simulations. I had one while restocking the supplies in the med-lab. Nadia's brain scan showed active alpha and beta waves, and she's been unconscious for two days now."

"Do you think these are tied into the fact that you're coming up on Mercury?"

Evram nodded. "I believe so."

Goss' lips curled in anger. "It figures. Every time we get in a position to pick up one of these objects, they start to fuck with us."

"Which is why I wanted to ask you that question," Evram said with a grimace. He could feel a vision coming on—everything, even the air around him started to take on the hum. He focused on the screen, focused on his anger and frustration, and tried desperately to push away any fear and guilt he might have. He'd found that, in the last few days, he could hold off the hallucinations a little while, if he did so. "I've been thinking a lot about what happened to Zoe on Venus, and I'm starting to get a bad feeling."

Goss' anger turned into a questioning look. "About what?"

"About the object's purpose. When Zoe was on Venus, Paula compared her suffering to Job when asked why the objects were testing us. Why did God test Job?"

"Paula has a strong faith."

Evram nodded. "Yes, she does. But it's nothing compared to the look on Zoe's face these days. There's a sense of peace around her that I haven't seen even in the most devout priests."

"There's nothing inherently wrong with that."

"Probably not," Evram said. The hum and the pulses receded a little more. All the thoughts that had been haunting him were finally coalescing into a clearer picture. "One could argue that the need for forgiveness and absolution from our guilt are the cornerstones of all religion. My problem with these objects being cast in the roll of God or Gods or whatever is, what if they selected us because of our guilt?"

"We've thought of that before," Goss explained. "But everyone has something they regret. If it's just guilt, why did it want Wass instead of Crane on the mission then?"

Evram shook his head. "I don't know about Wass, but maybe it orchestrated Rollie's removal because it wanted Jen to feel even more isolated? I don't know. What I have noticed is that the situations up here, our hallucinations or lack there of, seem to be tied to traumatic experiences in our lives. And they're repeating themselves. But I don't understand the purpose. What if it's just to manipulate us? What if Beta was responsible for the reversal of Donner's vasectomy? If that's the case, then it set up Zoe. It put her in a position where she had to make that horrible choice. Then it used her guilt to its advantage, making her risk her life in order to find absolution—in order to bring the Gamma object on board."

Goss was silent for a moment, thinking it over. "She could have chosen to keep the baby."

"Maybe," Evram conceded. "But there's no doubt in my mind that there's a malicious intent here. It's not just about being offered an opportunity for forgiveness; it's also about being forced to relive past mistakes. What purpose is there for turning Nadia back into a man, except to put me in the position where I'm asked to stop the process without her consent? I read her file. Nadia's parents made the choice for her twenty years ago without consulting her. I read about the doctors and the therapists she saw to help her with her gender reassignment. Now I either have to stop the genetic changes that are occurring, or not. But, once again, it's a choice Nadia doesn't get to make. For what?"

As his guilt over Nadia's situation surfaced, the edges of Evram's vision started to blur. Suddenly, he was surrounded in rubble. He tried to focus on Goss' face.

"I just—I wanted to know why you stopped the Alpha object from coming onboard your ship ten years ago."

Goss leaned closer to the camera, his voice so low, Evram could hardly hear it over the rattling of gunfire. "You have to pick your battles, Evram, and you have to remember what it did to Rollie and Ajay when it didn't want them around. I tried. I tried to keep this mission about the science—"

Evram blinked hard, but all he could see was dust everywhere. The air was full of cries and confusion. Then the school girl was in front of him, holding out her hands desperate for rescue.

Over and over again, her face haunted his thoughts, and, just like countless times before, he could do nothing to help her. They were trapped.

Then the school girl spoke. She had tears in her eyes, and she was still holding her arm out for him. _"It was just a school. Why did you bomb our school?"_

Evram started to shake.

_"Why, Evram?"_

"Dr. Mintz? Mintz? Evram!"

Evram blinked again and saw Goss shouting at him. "Sorry."

Evram rubbed his face and then clenched his hands tight so Goss wouldn't see them trembling.

"Sorry, sir. I'm okay. It was a hallucination."

The remains of the destroyed school started to ebb.

Not unkindly, Goss said, "It doesn't matter why I gave the order for Donner and Shaw to leave the Alpha object behind. Like your hallucination, Lewis and Walker will haunt me until the day I die. You have to make your own decisions, using your own judgment. That's what we've been training you for the last five years."

"Yes, sir." The school girl's voice still echoed in his tiny quarters. It was all he could do to thank Goss for his time and end the call so that he could lie down and ease his pounding head.

Lying there in the silence, the school girl's voice echoed in his head. _"Why did you bomb our school?"_

"I didn't know," Evram finally replied. "I didn't know if you were an enemy encampment or just a school. Everything—all my training, all the signs, the informants—they all supported the intel that enemy combatants were using the school as a headquarters..."

His call screen beeped again.

Forcing himself up, he saw that it was Claire calling him back. Finding whatever miniscule reserve of strength he had left, he accepted the call.

Except now he had no strength left for barriers and no alcohol around to help dull the pain. She didn't even have to ask any questions, everything just started to pour out of him at once.

She never flinched or interrupted, just sat listening to every word.

When there was nothing left, he put his hand on the screen, up to where her face was and imagined being able to touch her skin. Maybe he could draw some strength from her, because he had nothing left.

"I'm no good with blind worship," he whispered. "I never have been. But what if these objects are another school house, and all my doubts bring about their destruction? What if I repeat the same mistake again, Claire?"

She brought her hand up to the same spot as his. A millimeter and fifty million kilometers away, and yet still he felt better, especially when she tilted her head and smiled. "Then maybe at some point you'll have to admit that it wasn't a mistake in the first place, Evram. Because you are who you are: a smart, compassionate man who can evaluate data as he sees it, and, when all the data isn't there and you still have to make a choice, you do the best you can."

"If you're asking me to forgive myself, I can't."

Claire rubbed her thumb against his and in his mind he felt the phantom caress. "I know. You can't right now, but someday soon I hope you will. Because I have faith in you. When the time is right, you're going to think back on this conversation and realize how to deal with these objects on your own terms. And, if you do, if you forgive yourself, then, at least in my mind, everything Beta and the other objects will have done,will at least be for some good."

"You've always been an optimist," Evram said with a shaking of his head.

She smiled again and clinched the argument for tonight at least.

Lying in the dark hours later, replaying his convoluted thoughts over and over, Evram finally understood what Claire was saying. If he forgave himself, if he accepted that he might make the wrong decision, even now, but that he was employing all his skills to make the best decision he could, Beta and the other objects would have no more power over him. It was a thrilling realization, even if he knew there was no way he could implement it yet.

He was finally about to drift into sleep, when another realization dawned. Maybe it was for the best that he wasn't ready to accept his limitations. Goss had been right. Evram had to pay attention to what Beta had done to Rollie and Ajay. Removing Rollie might have added to Jen's loneliness and isolation, but Ajay?

Ajay was the one person Evram knew who was completely comfortable in his own skin.

The chill settled back into Evram's chest. As far as he'd gone to try and distance himself from the atrocities of war, maybe he'd gone and landed himself right back in the middle of one. And if this was a conflict, it wasn't just about land, or culture, or failed negotiations. Maybe the objects were just another school house. But maybe, more likely, they weren't.

Evram got up out of his bed, wide awake again. He pulled out the medal he'd brought with him, the one he'd given to the time capsule and then gotten back from Ted. Turning it over in his hands, it felt cool and solid. No vibrations, no humming emanated from it at all.

He'd been a soldier once. It had been horrible, and exhausting, and perhaps a little exciting and it had cost him dearly in the end. But he also recognized that he could probably do it again if he had to. He could. The price would be even more terrible, but if the alternative was even worse, then maybe it was a price that would have to be paid.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the quote: _He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind ~ RW Emerson_


End file.
